Lord of the Rings: The Parody Script
by alphanocten
Summary: Back in 7th grade, my friends, henceforth known as LD and CRT, and I wrote a short, but amusing screenplay. This is completely unaltered from June 2nd, 2007. For clarification, "Caroline" is an OC Hugo Weaving fangirl.


Introduction to Characters:

FRODO

Ugh, this is so stupid. Why are we introducing the characters first anyway? Everyone already knows us, and everyone already hates us. Can we go back to the Shire now? Can I put the ring on? …The ring's heavy! Can someone carry the ring? Can someone carry me? My feet are KILLING me—

SAM

(Pushes Frodo out of way) Sorry. This is my friend, (indicates Frodo) Frodo Baggins. And I'm his gardener, Sam. Along with our posse of popular celebrities in funny costumes, we are embarking on a quest to throw Mr. Frodo's ring into a pit of magic lava!

FRODO

(Walks lazily in front of Sam) This quest is so stupid! I mean, come on! Why do we have to walk all this way? Can't we just take a short-cut by riding on some ents or those big eagle-things? Not to mention, there's, like, fifty different sub-plots all going on at once, an—

LEGOLAS

(Puts hand over Frodo's mouth) Silly little hobbits. Both of you have completely lost track of why we're TRULY on this quest. (Turns to face audience) Hey there, I'm Legolas, and I'm hot. Now wait, I know what you're thinking. I'm just some egotistical jock with no real relevance whatsoever in the series, right? Ahahahahahahahahahaha (abrupt stop of laughter) wrong. The way my obnoxious British accent ripples sonorously through the breeze, the way my sleek, blonde, elfish hair shimmers in the evening sun, and the way my arrows fly much like those of humble Cupid, whilst piercing both the mighty gusts of wind and the flesh of my opponents. Why, (pose) I'm the only reason anyone even paid to see this movie (wink, flip hair, and pose again).

ARWEN

(Enters clutching Aragorn's arm and staring at him affectionately) Tee-hee, I'm Arwen, and this is my (giggle) fiancée, Aragorn. He's the hottest (choking from a _certain_ person in the cast) sorry, the second hottest character in the whole trilogy. Tee-hee, say "hi", darling!

ARAGORN

(Monotone) Hello.

LEGOLAS

And with that out of the way, let our quest (pose) begin!

(Someone holds up sign reading, "Scene 1: A Valley in the Middle of Nowhere-in-Particular")

LEGOLAS

What's this? There are no women here? How am I supposed to pick up babes with my (pose) dashing good looks?

SAM

This is no time to be thinking about girls! We need to get to the evil mountain so we can throw Mr. Frodo's ring into the magic lava.

FRODO

(Stroking ring) Shhh… it's ok, darling. He didn't mean that. It's going to be alright. Mommy loves you.

SAM

Mr. Frodo, you _really_ need to stop doing that.

LEGOLAS

I agree. Instead of that silly ring, we should be focusing on my (pose) dashing good looks!

SAM

Ugh… Oh geez, where'd Aragorn go?

(Someone holds up sing reading, "Scene 2: Rivendell")

ARWEN

Hiya! Welcome to Rivendell, the Beverly Hills of Middle Earth. OMG! Aragorn, is that, like, you?

ARAGORN

(Monotone) Hello.

ARWEN

Aragorn, where have you, like, been all this time. We were, like, _supposed _to get married! (Pause, Aragorn stares indifferently)Aren't you, like, happy about our engagement? (Getting a little angry)

ARAGORN

Yes.

ARWEN

(Pause)OMG! You're so emotionless, it's, like, totally hot!

CAROLINE

(Runs in panting and points at Arwen) You! Your father is played by Hugo Weaving!

ARWEN

Like, so?

CAROLINE

He plays V in V for Vendetta! You _must_ get me an autograph!

ARWEN

Like, go away, freak. (Starts to back away)

CAROLINE

NEVER! (Chases after Arwen and the pair go offstage)

ARAGORN

(Holds sign reading, "Scene 3: The outskirts of Rivendell")

FRODO

Why are we even here? This place is so boring!

LEGOLAS

Foolish hobbit, this place is full of hot elf-chicks! Being away from women too long isn't healthy for my (pose) dashing good looks. Here's one now! (Walks up to girl in audience) Hey there. You like movies? Here's my card. (Puts piece of paper on desk) Catch you later (poses and winks).

SAM

Uhh… actually, I think the real reason we went here was to find Aragorn.

FRODO

Aragorn is dumb and boring. Let's just go home. Why can't we just leave? Oh look, Starbucks! Let's go get some frappuccinos, Legolas.

LEGOLAS

Indeed, coffee provides useful nutrients for my (pose) dashing good looks (the pair walk off).

SAM

Am I the only sane person in this entire trilogy? Curse you J.R.R. Tolkein! (Walks off)

ARWEN

(Enters with Caroline grabbing her ankle) I told you to, like, go away!

CAROLINE

Huuuuuuugooooo Weeeaaaaviiiiing!


End file.
